You know, this blog used to be interesting to read. It's not so much now. I just don't try as hard anymore... Don't pay as much attention to varying sentence structure, metaphors, vocabulary, and all that stuff. Maybe that's why nobody reads it anymore. Because it's pretty damn boring.
The sensible thing would be to break that habit.
So, what else, I'll just go on a rant about my emotions; that always gets some good vocab words out (Wow, I used a semicolon).
My fuse is consistently growing shorter. I suppose there are plenty of reasons, but nonetheless, it's unnerving. Usually when I'm quick to anger, it's just on a random fluke, and I'm fine the next day... Not so much now. I'm just running out of energy, I suppose. But I am most definately feeling very impatient.
I flipped off some really obnoxious middle school boys today. I never do that. I mean, yeah, I hate middle school boys, but I'm generally pretty tolerant. Well, if not tolerant, I'm silent about my hatred. I'm actually expressing it is new.
I hear my sister's essentially constant questions and apologies, just like I have for the past 13 years, and I can't stifle a "Jeez." I thought I had perfected my silence. Oh, don't get me wrong, I get annoyed as hell, I just don't show it. But I showed it today.
It feels good to express your frustration. But I had such good control of it for so long.
And I can't even just blame it on some random bad mood. This isn't a bad mood. This is going to be my life until I change something. I can feel that much.
Lately, I haven't been stressed, exactly. Stress, I associate with deadlines, with grades, with schedules. In a word, school.
This isn't what I call stress. It's just nagging, ever-present pressure, grinding away at me. Because of the nature of the matter, and the readership of this blog (specifically, I have no idea who the hell you are), I can't go into great detail, but I know that a lot of this "pressure" is family-oriented. Mind, I don't mean pressure on me -- To succeed in life, to get good grades, to get more friends, what have you -- but the growing unease of the people around me; the constant, pressing unhappiness of people that can't change their situation.
Then there are my friends. I can't remember what I've posted here and what I've withheld, but just for the sake of clarity and at the risk of being redundant, I'll explain a bit.
My relationship with Taylor -- if you can call it that -- is one of the most confusing things I've ever attempted. At any one moment, I have no idea if she hates me, if she likes me, if she's avoiding me, if I hate her, or what she's telling anyone else... So, I naturally try to give up periodically. And then everyone tells me not to give up, that she wants to be my friend, and she doesn't hate me, that she's just Taylor and she can't help being confused.
Well, I'm Patrick and I can't help being unmotivated when a person can't even decide if she wants to be your friend or not. Sorry, it's just who I am.
Emily is moving this week. This naturally raises a lot of drama, and that situation has its fair share of treachery and secrets. I've kept out of it, for the most part, but nevertheless, it's yet another change, and I'm going to miss her.
It all looks like it should be easy to handle, when it's on the page. The family issues just push it all off the metaphorical cliff, though. You'll just have to trust me on this one.
I need sleep.
That's what I tell myself when I get in one of these moods, where I'm just stuck in a circle of examination and lamentation. But then, what is sleep? What is a new day, when your problems simply can't be healed by time? What difference does it make?
This is life, Johnny, and you'd better get used to it.
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4 comments:
I read your blog, pat, and I usually find it quite interessting. Most people's blogs are rather mundane. Yours is interessting. And besides, blogs aren't just for other people they are for you too. So as long as it makes you feel better to blog, then you should blog.
As for the Taylor issue, you really just need to talk to her. Seriously. It will give you some closer in the whole situation and I think that you both need that.
Eh, I guess " try not to feel overwhellmed,Pat" sounds kind of redundant. So, I guess I'll just say, try to hang in there and hopefulyl things will get better.
Thanks, Kaisha.
Hang in there is a good phrase. I like it.
Patrick,
Keep in mind I'm ancient and can barely remember high school, but what I do remember is that your relationships with your friends at this time are just constantly confusing. That's the way it is. The reason, which I didn't know at the time, is that everybody feels like you do right now, just not at the same time. So everybody is in flux, which, plainly, sucks.
It won't be like this forever.
As for family... you just had the good fortune to be born into a family that could very well be insane on both sides, which is good if you ever decide to write soap operas for a living but can make the teenage years a little stressful.
Send me an e-mail if there is anything I can do for you. And do what Kaisha said.
Hey there, It has been a while since i last left you a comment, and now seems to be the right time to do it again. I do drop by and read your blog from time to time, because i am captivated by your ability to write so well and it does interest me, however odd that may seem considering i do not know you at all, but hey.
Also while i am here, it may or may not interst you to know that i have posted another of my drawings on my blog, just thought i would say that, in case you would like to take a look.
Anyway, take care x
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