My life

I'll start off with a nice analogy.

Think of a roller coaster.

This is my mind.

Not just the up-and-down parts, either.

Notice a) it goes up a huge lift hill. I can feel the cycle coming and am powerless to stop it. b) It plummets hundreds of feet into the dark tunnel of cynicism. c) Multiple twists, turns, ups, and downs, changing my opinion as often as the direction of the car. d) At the end, nothing ever ends up resolved, I just roll gradually to a stop in a stunning anticlimax. e) Pull into the station, dump out the people who are tired of listening to it and take on more unsuspecting passengers. f) Do the whole thing in infinite succession.

That's my mind.

I guess it warrants some explanation. It would take a couple hours to type out the whole thought process, and as it is 11:45 pm already and I have been awake and dealing with shit for 17 hours I will forgo the extra explanation and will leave that to your imagination. But as a clever summary:

I am reading The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand. It is brilliant, a real thinking book. But as you may or may not know, I get very involved in books that I read. The emotions of the plot and characters get absorbed into my day-to-day life. This is okay sometimes, specifically with fantasy, because it is easy to discern between what is genuine and what is stolen from the book. But with my book now, there is a fair amount of philosophy, and things about the nature of society, et cetera. This is all well and good, but as I am reading it, I draw an unhealthy amount of parallels between the book and life, and it inevitably provokes a lot of thought.

Long story short, the book makes me think, which makes it a good book, but it may be bad for my health. Mix that with the fact that we're reading The Crucible in English, and the general materialism and superfluousness of society at large, and the most optimistic of the lot of you will become cynical. Consider that I am somthing of a cynic by nature anyway (refer to the title of this blog) and there are problems for me.

Another mental battle I am fighting is between superiority and utter, dismal equality. I want so badly to feel as though I am somehow better than everyone else, because of my Fountainhead and my mental roller coaster and my "look, I'm honest with myself..." but then, in that respect, I'm just as bad as anyone. The need for superiority is a basic human instinct. It's all about how we go about being better... Athletically, academically, materially, or even in the degree that we are martyred.

What's a desperately confused and insecure cynic to do?